Extended Weekend

Why is it that I allow the weekend to be a free for all? Every. Single. Time.

I can start the weekend with the best intentions and by the end of it I am regretting at least one decision I have made regarding food or exercise.

I can't go back no matter how much I wish I could to change the choices I have made to make this journey last so much longer then necessary. I can't go back and be a size 6 no matter how hard I try.

At this point I will never see my pre-pregnancy/lowest adult weight of 145. Almost 40 pounds stand between me and that number. It's not realistic to even attempt that. I don't have the same body as that person and I never will for so many reasons. Since seeing 145 on the scale I have had a baby and I have become a runner. 

It doesn't stop those thoughts from popping up though. The reminders of what you once looked like (and hated at the time), of the weight you once got down to two years ago (that you also hated and tried to go lower but would now give a lot to see again), the measurements and strength you once achieved by strength training (that you couldn't see until after the fact).

I saw a few pictures of myself from this past Christmas over the weekend. They brought me to tears. I guess I had this veil over my eyes of what I thought I looked like and then I saw pictures and it wasn't pretty. I also weighed less at the time and in my mind now think that I must look worse. 

I know this is not a good way to think and I'm sure there are others struggling with how they see themselves. This is just my story and this is what I struggle with. It upsets me to think of the hard work I have put in that is now wasted because of what I have allowed myself to do to myself. 

I know that losing weight won't be a magic cure for my self-esteem, but I am hoping that by putting in the actual work needed to get back there along with the reminders of where I've been and where I don't want to get back to will help with the mind games. I have to do the work to see the results and right now I'm not doing a very good job at putting in that effort. 

This weekend was a prime example of how I allow excuses to take over. It was hot, we had company, Patrick was off of work all weekend, Isabel was up early, gardening needed to be done, furniture needed to be built, my knee hurt (this excuse was only good for Thursday, I extended it to Friday), I had to go shopping for bedroom decor, etc. Anything and everything was fair game to be used as an excuse.

I'm over that. I'm sick and tired of getting in my own way. And the only way to end that is by asking for help. I am pretty sure that I've been struggling for the past 7 weeks of being "on" Weight Watcher's. I've been sharing those struggles/self-sabotaging moments here, but I have yet to do what really needs to be done. 

So I did what needed to be done today. I don't want to make it 8 weeks of regret. I want to end the cycle NOW! 

I emailed my Weight Watcher's leader to vent it out and get her opinion, thoughts, perspective on things:

"Good afternoon Adrienne,

I missed last week's meeting for personal reasons, however I was fully capable of. Running in to weigh in both Tuesday night meetings as well as Saturday's meeting but I chose not to. I am, of course, feeling guilty over that decision because there was no real reason to skip other than embarrassment over not doing well this time around with Weight Watcher's. I do not know what my problem is, but I am finding it very difficult to stay motivated when my head and my heart are not in it. I find myself "starting over" weekly at the meeting and feeling ready to commit again, only to have something deter me a day or two later and then the whole week goes downhill, and fast. I figure I can just start again, so what's the point. I desperately need to get out of that mindset, but I don't know how.

I keep looking back to the last time I had success, which was give or take 3 years ago. The difference between then and now is that now I am an active runner. I had just reached lifetime before I started training for my first marathon and now here I am 3 marathons and 15 half marathons later and I am still trying to figure out the proper balance between weight loss and training. I know the main key is the food that I am eating. Here's another excuse.. I don't cook. I find that I work better with prepackaged foods that are quick and easy. I just don't see this working the way it used to back when I was consistently losing.

I also think I'm having a case of self-sabotage. I am a VERY negative self-talker and I am finding myself fall into old habits of that negative talk. Nothing I do is good enough and when I skip a workout or don't track, etc. it gets even worse. I try to set goals for myself, but I seem to just be setting myself up for failure. I don't want to fail. I want to lose this weight while doing what I love to do (running) as well as strength training to work on losing inches and toning up. For some reason my mind set right now is that if I don't give it my all and I lose then it's by some miracle that it happened, and if I gain then at least I have an excuse as to why. But if I give it my all and I gain then I see it as a failure and I have no one and nothing to blame.

I don't know what I'm looking for here. Tough love, support, anything to get me through another weigh in that I'm sure I'll see a gain at. It's been 7 weeks and as of two weeks ago I'm down 4 pounds. Although this is great because I could be down zero, I guess I'm just seeing it as I could have done better. Maybe I just needed to type it all out. Either way, thank you for reading.

Thank you,

Tracy"

All I can do from this point is realize that I'm human. I need to make more realistic goals and be kinder to myself. I am not going to see success over night and I'm going to slip up along the way and that's okay. It's time I utilize the resources I have out there and believe in myself. I can't expect others to do this for me. I can't expect them to be there to lift me up if I won't allow myself to celebrate the positives, and there are a lot of positives to celebrate. I need to ask for help when help is needed. I cannot do this alone and I don't have to. 

So that's where I'm at right now. Trying to set smaller, more obtainable goals and  focusing on the day to day instead of week to week. One meal at a time.