After 57 days of tracking on myfitnesspal I am at a total weight loss of -2.4.
I'm struggling, or at least I have been for about two weeks. I'm finding it difficult to want to track my entire day. I'm finding it difficult to want to track honestly.
But, in the end I'm only hurting myself. I'm not doing this for anyone else, so there really is no point in being sneaky or lazy about it.
What it comes down to is how much do I really want this.
The answer? I'm not entirely sure...
It yet again comes down to what I would rather have- a smaller number on the scale or a healthier more fit body. I would much rather work out than be obsessed with every calorie I put into my body, yet I know that the types of calories I eat will affect my workouts. I need to find a way to balance the two.
My mind plays games on me. It tells me that I'm going to gain because of strength training, or because of a long distance run which resulted in thousands of calories being burned which resulted in a higher calorie intake day, or because of a variety of other logical factors. My mind turns those logical factors and tells myself the week is already "ruined" and I will already see a gain so I may as well eat that candy or pizza or Taco Bell...
Self sabotage.
It doesn't really make sense though. A gain from strength training does not mean the same as a gain from over eating. But I guess my mind is still affected by the scale and a gain is a gain no matter the reason.
Thankfully my reaction to a gain is a lot different now than it has been in the past. I'm able to accept it immediately and move on. My initial reaction is to vow to make this week better than the last, but for the past few weeks that's only lasted a day or two before the next temptation crosses my path.
I've been finding myself eating out of boredom, stress and convenience. Especially at work. The break room is filled with chocolates and other yummy treats being sent to the office. Normally when I'm stressed at work I can't "fix" it by eating (which never works anyway) because I only bring to work what I plan on eating that day. This time of year though I can simply walk down the hall and take a handful of treats and scarf them down without a second thought or without really even tasting them.
My goal is to make it the rest of the year without taking any more treats from work. I've had more than enough and there are so many other treats left to enjoy that are so worth it compared to generic candies I can have anytime.
I may have spent most of the past two weeks only tracking breakfast and lunch, but the past two days I have been honest and have tracked everything. May not have been pretty (like going over almost 500 calories the day before weigh in) but withholding the truth in my tracker does no good for anyone. It doesn't mean the calories weren't consumed.
I'm not starting over, just continuing. I have a bad habit of calling quits and starting over when things get bad or don't look "pretty". For example, my tracker is only half full for the past couple of weeks. In the past I would have declined the account and started with a brand new name and everything. This time I'm just looking at today's menu and tracking everything. Then I'm going to focus on tomorrow. Then the next day. And so on.
So what if my journey has an uphill battle so early on. It's not like that's never happened before. It's not a fail, it's a learning experience and I truly believe I'm learning a lot about myself this time. I'm learning a lot about the things I enjoy vs the things I have to do to see success (aka not eating fast food!) and I'm learning a lot about acceptance. Acceptance of the past and the things I cannot change as well as acceptance of who I am now.
I'm not going to miraculously love my body if/when I get down to a magic number I have set in my head (163.8, an even 20 pound loss). Been there, done that. Had that body and got to 145 and still didn't appreciate all I had going on. I need to appreciate and love the body I have at 181.4 in order to love the body I will have at goal. A weight in the healthy range and a healthy BMI does not equal automatic acceptance. Enjoying the journey and celebrating the successes and struggles along the way helps create a lasting love for yourself and who you are. Because who I am means so much more than 181.4. In fact it has nothing to do with 181.4
And it will have nothing to do with 163.8 either. I'll just be a healthier and more physically fit person, but it won't change who I am.
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