A Slump

aka: Dopey Killed My Running Spirit

(Good luck trying to follow along. This post was written while I was out for a walk and my thoughts were all over the place. Add on top of that the fact that I really have no idea where my mind is at regarding this topic and you're in for an interesting read!) 

I have been trying to find the words to explain what happened last weekend, but to be honest I don't know if there are any right words for how I was feeling. I keep thinking there's going to be some magic explanation for what I will call a hiccup in my training plan, but I don't think there will ever be an explanation.

So instead of trying to think of this big reason as to why, I'm just going to explain what happened.

I spent the majority of 2014 training for one race or another, most half marathons with the exception of Dopey, but that was only for part of the second-half of the year. My mom has commented that she's surprised the slump, hiccup, falling out with running didn't happen sooner. I'm not, but I'll explain why later.

This past week I had 15 miles on the schedule. And every time I looked at that schedule I dreaded the weekend coming up. In fact, I have dreaded every running weekend since Dopey. I have skipped many training runs since that weekend, and the furthest distance I have gone in a row since then has been 6 miles. Most likely the only reason I did the 6 miles was because I had somebody to help hold me accountable to doing them.

This past weekend was a three day weekend thanks Presidents' Day. So the idea of running Saturday quickly turned into possibly running Sunday which quickly turned into possibly running Monday. Meaning I kept procrastinating when and where I was going to run.

I knew I should have listened to both myself and my best friend who told me to do it Saturday morning and get it out-of-the-way, get it done with. But clearly that didn't happen. In fact, the thought of running 15 miles at all this weekend, no matter how I spread it out or where I did it brought me to tears.

Yes, the thought running made me cry.

I'm still not sure if those tears were from dreading the thought of going for a 15 mile run, or from finally coming to terms with my feelings. The only thing I can conclude, is that it was a mixture of both.

Here it is folks. The vulnerable, 100% honest truth. The side that I've been hiding for a little while now. The side that I'm afraid will be held against me at a future point... 

I hate training for a marathon.

I have very little desire to sign up for another marathon, let alone complete the three I have on the calendar for 2015.

The idea of running 15 or more miles for the next three weekends was mentally exhausting, and I had had enough. I was done. I was ready to put my shoes up on the shelf. I was ready to walk away from all future races.

But then that idea made me sad too.

It took me a while to finally define myself as a runner, but that's part of what I am. I am a runner, and I have been for the past five years. Realizing that a part of me no longer makes me happy is a scary thought. I guess it's possible that I was having somewhat of an identity crisis.

My decision over the weekend, my decision that is subject to change at any time, is to put zero races on the calendar for 2016. I also have zero intentions of making a mileage goals for 2016.

I put a lot of pressure on myself in 2014, and even more on myself in 2015. Add on top of that that I am a very all or nothing person and it's not a good combination. Not to mention, I am my own worst critic and if I don't do something I set my mind to it's an automatic failure. I don't look at the attempt, or the progress, just the fact that I didn't finish what I set out to do. 

I wouldn't be me if I wasn't stubborn so come Tuesday morning I realized I needed to buck up and set my mind towards my goals for this year and make as much progress as I possibly can.

I mean, it's February and I'm freaking out about being behind and I have 10 more months to make it up. Plus I'm not even that far behind on my mileage and I could very easily reach my goal for this month. And, there is no way I'm letting that money go to waste. I am running all of the races I have signed up for this year.

But at this point I have no desire to train for anything more than a half marathon, which is a problem, since I can't go out and run 26.2 miles in 24 days, in 3 months or in 9 months without putting in the time, energy and miles training for them. 

So where does that leave me? 

Just as confused as I was Saturday, Sunday and Monday. If not more so. 

I'm pretty sure the above words make very little sense, but it helps me to admit that I'm not in love with training. That I'm taking a step back from my plan to allow my body what it needs, to (more importantly) allow my mind what it needs. 

I'm not sure where things are going to go from here. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time with my running. If I want to go, I do. If I start a run and I'm not feeling it, I walk. If the upcoming 18 miles on Saturday is overwhelming to think about (which it is) then I'm going to look at it as an 8 mile run with my sister and one 10 mile run, or two 5 mile runs, or however else I can get in another 10 miles between Saturday and Sunday. It's not ideal, but it's how I'm going to get through it for now. 

I'm hoping at some point I can get back into the groove and find that enjoyment that I used to have, that excitement for an upcoming race. But until that happens I'm not going to put so much pressure on myself.

I'm doing pretty well, considering. I may be behind on some goals, but it's really not that bad. Definitely something I can work on before the end of the month to get ahead. And a good reminder to not allow myself to get so far behind next month the way I did this month. 

It's definitely time to take a step back, take a deep breath, and think about why I want this. If the cons of running out weigh the pros, then it may be time to find something else that brings me joy. In fact, Saturday morning, after taking a breath and finally admitting how unhappy in have been, I went on Pinterest and this was the first thing I saw: 

Then, while out for some retail therapy, I saw this: 

Now I just have to try and translate what my heart is saying, because I currently don't know..