I felt as though I had nothing interesting to say. Then I felt like I wasn't reaching any of my goals so what was the point. I didn't want to just post failure after failure. Then I realized that I wasn't failing if I was still putting one foot in front of the other. Then my priorities changed. Then I fell into a rut. Then I decided that I have a full race schedule and need to pull myself up and get back to focusing on training. Then, today, I decided that I missed writing about my running. I missed having a place to vent and brag and share. I missed posting my mileage and feeling proud that I'm accomplishing something I set out to do.
September was a difficult month for me with running. It was also a difficult month for me weight-wise.
Let's start with the weight thing..
This is what I weighed in at on Wednesday:
Want to know something weird? I'm accepting that number. I'm 20 pounds over weight and I think I'm finally starting to love and appreciate my body at this size. I'm not unhealthy and a little extra weight can be a factor of a lot. I'm not watching my food intake as closely as I could, but I am slowing down and enjoying the foods that I do choose. There are other factors (stress) that aren't helping matters, but I'm not focusing on the scale and it is freeing.
Then there's running..
I've gone for 5 runs this month. That's it.. 5. Five.. Two of these were races. Whoops!
I felt like I was in a rut for a while. I wanted to run, but when I could I would make excuses to not go. I've been in a funk and doing one of the things that makes me happy was just too exhausting to think about. It's not a fun place to be and I'm still working on pulling myself out from that place.
As mentioned, I did complete two races this month, bringing my total number of half marathons for the year up to 10. Four more races scheduled. I can't believe it and I'm starting to get really excited about what I've accomplished so far and what I'm going to be finishing in December. This is the first time I've ever attempted a goal like this and I am determined to finish it.
In other running related updates, I've come to accept my pace and speed as part of who I am. I highly doubt anyone is judging me for my comfortable 12:30-13 minute mile pace. I'm pretty sure I was the only one judging myself. I see it all the time, from my own choice of words and from so many others. Even from people who run faster than I do. I annoy myself when I say it, like I'm embarrassed or have to justify it. No more! I'm owning it now..
My mom got me the bracelet as a reminder. The charm says "for the journey" and that's what I need to remind myself. I'm sure I'll find myself going back to those dark places and I will hear myself talk about slow paces and not being fast enough, but now I have a physical reminder to look at and see that it's not about the speed, it's about the whole journey from start to finish. I'm getting back into remembering why I run and why I set these goals for myself. It's for me. I have nothing to prove to anyone. I enjoy running, I enjoy racing. Bottom line. The goals push me to be a better me and I like where it's taken me so far and I'm excited to see where I'm going...
In an attempt to pull myself out of my running rut I have done two things. I joined a walking challenge at work with five of my coworkers. Running and other physical activities are allowed as well. The goal? To beat the other teams of course! Well, in a friendly competition.. But it felt good to be asked to be on someone's team. In fact, the team leader said "I want to win, and when that competitive side kicks in there's no stopping me." That's why he asked both my best friend and I. He sees us walking daily and knows we're training and it's possible we have a shot at doing this.
The second thing was signing up for a 10 mile race in October. In about two weeks actually. It's a race I've been wanting to do for a couple years, but either the timing wasn't right or I talked myself out of it because of the course. This year I received an email with 15% off and already inexpensive price and I didn't hesitate. It's going to be tough, but I'm not going in with any expectations other than to finish.
Time to train for some hills!!
There were a few other things I was focusing on while I took this little break. Some financial stuff and a new way to budget we're trying out, some house stuff and finding that owning a house is both a joy and a stress, work stuff and doing my best to prepare for the next three months as October-January is the most stressful/busiest time of year for us, among other things.
Mostly, I used this time to work on myself and my mental health. I am not quite where I want to be yet, but I'm making progress. I'm working on choosing things that make me happy while still being responsible. I'm working on quieting the negative voices in my head that tell me I can't do something or shouldn't even attempt it because I will fail by proving them wrong and allowing myself to celebrate when I do accomplish what I've set out to do. I'm allowing myself to choose to do things that relax me, like the simple joys of reading and crocheting.
I've said it before and I'm sure I will say it again, I'm a work in progress. And I finally feel like I'm taking some major steps in the right direction.
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